'I’ll pay you to drive my car from Vegas to New York. The money is to keep you in the immediate moment and give you space to explore yourself. Also, I have a plasticized human skeleton. Can you please take that with you or ship it?’
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
And so this morning I bid adieu to Florence (the porch scarecrow), Laszlo (the space heater), and Roland “Rollie” (The massage foam roller. Yeeeah, we name a lot of inanimate objects around the apartment, which, come to think about it, I probably talk to more than actual humans). With a moment to spare, I threw a cursing fist at the tomato vine that didn’t ripen in time. And because no good story starts with oatmeal, in went the ritual dark chocolate at 6am, and I headed to SFO for the flight to Nevada, where my chariot awaited and the journey would begin.
One hour, two checked bags, and three photos later (Of the friendliest airport car attendant EVER named Autopia. YES, that’s her REAL name. Again- this stuff finds me), I found myself at the helm of a 2000 Honda Odyssey. Loaded with a full tank of gas, a ripped Beejees CD courtesy of Nate's Smog n Go, a bag of bananas, and most importantly in this triple-digit heat, fully-functioning A/C, I strapped Vivian in the passenger seat and headed towards the Strip. (Whaddya mean “Who’s Vivian?” The plasticized skeleton of course! Look alive!)
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
And so this morning I bid adieu to Florence (the porch scarecrow), Laszlo (the space heater), and Roland “Rollie” (The massage foam roller. Yeeeah, we name a lot of inanimate objects around the apartment, which, come to think about it, I probably talk to more than actual humans). With a moment to spare, I threw a cursing fist at the tomato vine that didn’t ripen in time. And because no good story starts with oatmeal, in went the ritual dark chocolate at 6am, and I headed to SFO for the flight to Nevada, where my chariot awaited and the journey would begin.
One hour, two checked bags, and three photos later (Of the friendliest airport car attendant EVER named Autopia. YES, that’s her REAL name. Again- this stuff finds me), I found myself at the helm of a 2000 Honda Odyssey. Loaded with a full tank of gas, a ripped Beejees CD courtesy of Nate's Smog n Go, a bag of bananas, and most importantly in this triple-digit heat, fully-functioning A/C, I strapped Vivian in the passenger seat and headed towards the Strip. (Whaddya mean “Who’s Vivian?” The plasticized skeleton of course! Look alive!)
 Name is destiny. Autopia: Creating a perfect world of cars for you and me. |  No, no- THAMK YOU!  Take it from Viv- More people died from selfie-stick related incidents this year than shark attacks |  Make a dragon wanna retire man |
Thus begins the cross-country adventure! It took Odysseus 10 years to reach Ithaca. God willing, it’ll take me less than two months. You’re invited to (digitally) board the Oddyssey as I squiggle through the Southwest, dip down South, and pinball the road North. Joined by my trusty travel companions Vivian (“Viv”), Finger Puppet Duck (FPD), and Apple Pie (squirrelly kite- just as animated as a pet, without all the mess), I’ll be camping, postcarding, carbequing, and trying my darndest to stay active on the road, inspired by a former colleague’s coined exerseeing. Cruise the website, and sign up for “Joy Rides” blog updates to receive (Weekly? Bi-weekly?) notifications. Also, send me your recommendations!
 Because a casino full of clowns is safer than sleeping in the van...? |  Can only imagine the projectile vomiting required to take a chip out of the porcelain |
Take it away, Lucius:
Buckle up, and bum voyage!
-The Bum Vivant
-The Bum Vivant
